Lysergic Ice cream


buddies
bantenhut
gia-carangi


navigation
current
archives
profile

extras
links
rings
cast
reviews
quizzes

contact
email
gbook
notes

credit
host
design

Read on 5/7/2019
2018-05-07, 4:36 p.m.

I think I get a mental breakdown every year during the same time. I think my parents know its serious because here they are, visiting me, watching tv with me at night, doing my laundry and putting cute dogs in my lap and their arms around me. In America adults are supposed to be more independent than this. I want to be more independent that this, but I am profoundly lonely. A chaotic cloud of particulate miseries--MS, pain, loneliness, betrayal, etc surrounded me and when it cleared, my friends were no longer my friends. I guess I thought my friends were the kinds of people that apologize when they've committed grievous harm, one, because they love me and two because they want me in their lives. It turns out they're the ones that expect me to absorb maltreatment and selfishness and continue a one-sided care.

Forgiveness is ceasing to drink a poison, while the aggressor lives unbothered in the far off idylls of my stolen belongings and trampled pride. I even find beauty in my broken heart. Forgiveness is something I have to remind myself of at times. When I figure out I'm missing something else, my joy or my text books, or my digital camera, or TENS machine. There I go again.

Dear self,

Forgiveness is important. Forgive everyone, even the people in power who have sought to keep you down and make you repeat this stupid internship even though you have proved your competence. Don't give them too much information. This will be the rope to hang you. Don't do it. Even if the rope seems tempting at this point. Dear self, when we catch up through our letters next year--remember you have failed many times. It adds to your brilliance and you are scarily brilliant. That isn't narcissism. You are the reasons for change in large systems. Walk with dignity and grace. Don't let this hurt your heart, your pride, your ability to love and feel joy. Do not let your heart be sullied by those who seek to steal everything you have worked so hard for and that God has overseen in your life. God always helps you find a way where there is no way. The Tanya says that your heart should be broken, so there is no distraction between you and Hashem--paraphrasing, the actual passage is so much better. So make a greater effort to draw close to him for these wounds. Write the Tehillim in your heart. Never forget how courageous you are. I'm proud of where we are in life. A lifelong dream in the process of its final realization. This is the last incarnation on earth, inevitably, the most difficult. I know I'm writing to myself. But I know that we can do it. We have done it before.

We have always been in the counsel of important people and intrigued their ears. This is a biblical archetype; adviser to the king. As the counsel to royalty, you have to be advised by THE KING. Not Elvis, but Hashem. You are a spiritual seeker, a mystic, a muse, a woman, a helper, an illuminated soul, a beauty. There are many names for who and what you are, but failure is not among those things. Let Hashem work in this situation. You will see miraculous things. All will know your wondrous testimony. Wealth, knowledge and wisdom will be added unto you. Claim this.

Read this next year: 5/7/2019

last - next