Luxury of Orange Blossom Thoughts after Cognitive Dissonance
2024-11-11, 1:50 p.m.
One of my first childhood memories is my mom smoking Marlboro reds at the kitchen table, probably after seeing my father's bad side and realizing it predominates most of his other side. Her silent tears after knocking me off the ugly & rough indutrial steel stool because I had made a mess she was too upset to clean in that moment.
Things come full circle in a very painful & necessary way.like they always do. I can't be upset at the way that they do or how painful the truth.
I could write reports forever and go to school for 3 more years. But I crave the solace of my tribe right now. I can feels God's hand in how it was orchestrated. But other things, like unknowingly working for 7 days, I had to check myself on.
Also realizing you can't depend on your partner for any type of comfort or conversation is difficult. Any time he gets mad he tells me this is not my home. My dad brought all my stuff to his apartment with the last of his night driving abilities. I wish I had not sickened myself to the point of hospitalization so I could see him. I miss him so much.
I mostly pray to win the lotto so I can afford my MS and pain meds with consistency and to provide for my parents. I always decline their help now. I don't know if it's because I'm ashamed of needing help or if I'm being compassionate or wanting to be independent. My heart to God's ears. As sick as I am with incurable spinal maladies I will try until I'm crawling. Then I will continue crawling. I welcome the provision and blessings of God, nothing is impossible, just my job now feels like a big blessing, even if I'm a little sicker because of it
Maybe the night time is different. Cognitive dissonance is never fun.
I love the night colors, the frigid darkness of Bay Ridge, the small wafts of Jo Malone Orange Blossom reminding that spring will return, and the promise of luxurious carefree wonderment