2018-06-05, 9:17 p.m.
I listened to beyonce randomly on spotify (the last album before she moved to tidal). It was an important album that I bought on itunes when I was in grad school six years ago. I didn't realize how important it was until today. I used to cry in the morning because my decade long relationship was crumbling before my eyes. He was hurt, I was hurt, he was cheating but it was somehow still my fault. Then the next one came along, just as cunty as the one before but I tolerated it much longer than I should have because I mistook thoughtlessness and callousness for mystique instead of an indicator of personality disorder. We listened to the album because the lyrics were so clever, the videos were gorgeous and I think he secretly loved beyonce. I got swept away in a tide of nostaglia today, lying in bed after doing homework. The volume was low, but my heart was still stirred. My heart ached faintly, remembering how how our lives once intertwined. I always miss the friendship part of relationships, especially this one. I forgive him but I know we will never speak again.
It isn't safe to give your heart to a narcissist. They don't deserve it. They crush it down to powder, shoot it up, and when the euphoria passes, they rush off to the next foolish woman who believes his lies. And you are left with a hole in your chest that never heals completely. Maybe it was a karmic lesson to not get swept up in the deep narcotic of love. Lemonade was the very next album, Beyonce bestowed more important love lessons. Beyonce is out here helping people live their best lives.