panic spirals
2009-07-08, 11:33 a.m.

My bf's phone kept going off on Friday. I thought it was an alarm and I told him to turn it off. He was tired from working so he just mumbled and fell into his deep sleep, but the phone kept going off. It was a little chirpy beep sound that kept waking me up. I reached into his pocket and I saw a message saying "please call me" my heart began pumping adrenaline all around my body and I started to feel cold. I scrolled through all the messages and I found a few that were disconcerting such as "your voicemail made me so wet."

Needless to say I kicked him out of my house. The next day we argued mostly by text. My mom pointed out that I haven't caught him doing anything, just texting.

I really want him to change his number, but it probably won't help because he might just switch to email. I can get into his work account if I visit him at work but that is a level of crazy I don't want to visit, even for five minutes. He was really apologetic but I think I'm going to ask for her number and tell her to stop communicating. I don't know...every idea I have for ending this stupid texting behavior is something I don't really want to do.

He's older than me by one year but he acts like I did when I was 18.

I don't feel so bad about the things I did in the beginning of our relationship that I didn't tell him about.

My general doctor doesn't want me to take klonopin anymore even though I really need it. So this week has been hard. In this case the benefits outweigh the risks.