The Capricorn
2012-07-21, 2:56 a.m.

45 days since I've seen capricorn. He's quiet and guarded and ornery. People tell me to leave him alone. But every time I do, a tiny bit of his feelings come out like a silver string to pull me back in. I can't tell if I'm melting ice or making friends. If I see him again, I don't know if I should hug him, kiss him or just shake his hand.

The day at the pier after my surgery, i was sick and vulnerable, grappling for permanence and he was confused, annoyed, sorry for me. But apologetic. I was full of fever, I should have been in bed, but I was staring at shivering lights on black water and sobbing. Dizzy because I didn't eat anything. Trying to run away. And he grabbed me. Told me he would miss me if I stopped talking to him. It felt like a slap and a hug. I went home and cried like it was high school. I woke up with a cold. We didn't talk for a whole day. Then the next day he texted me at 9 am and I looked at my phone hungrily. My heart skipped a beat like he was really it.

Holding him at a distance, holding everyone at a distance is much safer for me. Until I get sick and start to waver. I guess I'm just grateful for new heartbreak. It puts distance between me and the old heartbreak. The worst heartbreak. For the one that I thought would be my husband. The one who knew all my thoughts before I said them out loud. The whole city is a museum of our memories. The hardest part about losing a person like that is that they are a best friend as much as a lover. I'm still adapting to this final ending. This journal is full of the breaks and the commas.