no contingency plan
2017-03-18, 4:11 a.m.

My sleep schedule is fucked. MS injection, missing my boyfriend, neck pain etc.

This was supposed to be a positive journal. I'm a ghost writer. I don't get paid a lot because I'm just starting. But it matches with my fucked up sleep schedule and my need to work in bed when I'm sick.

So for once I'm not going to talk about the people who have been a horrible disappointment or the shitty way I feel. Or the doctors who are failing me by being assholes.

Mi Santisma Muerte really came through for me. I asked for enough money to buy my gluten free food so I could stop having severe allergic reactions. I am feeling better even though still in pain.

The day I decided to move away from BK I was sad. But I knew it was necessary. I had someone I loved staying with me but he was pretty much dictating the routine. I don't know if it happens to anyone else. I guess I like to be in control but that's only when I don't trust the other person's judgment. So I moved here so he could figure his shit out. He was continuing his bad habits when I was around and now he is actually confronting his addictions. I keep deleting stuff so this doesn't come out negative. What I really want to say is that it takes immense courage to look at your flaws and actively work on them. It takes so much to deal with your vulnerability when you are stripped raw of your crutches and maladaptive coping. Moving back to the Bx was never on the table even tho I said it was. Not because I hate it or anything, I just knew what I really needed to do and giving myself a back up plan wasn't going to help me. You have to set up your life without a contingency plan sometimes. It's subconsciously saying "I'm not going to fail at this." IT WORKED.