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2022-02-21, 10:22 p.m

Back in the peach living room, envisioning how my painting of graceful ghost koi would look in black or how it would look when i move in here. Right now the mood is peach and blue.

The flexeril did nothing but leave my mind empty. Empty of anxiety, empty of lasting thought patterns, empty of anything that would keep me from work. But there's always pain for that.

The end results of the flexeril mixed with whatever hybrid strain mixed with whatever nicotine in the blunt has me craving this quiet like a meditation. But also craving my body to be quiet.

The stress and heartbreak of losing at the one goal I've had for almost four decades feels like it's collapsing me from in the inside out. But then I remember how beautiful it is to rise from ashes again and again, and it isn't really a loss, but a regrouping that doesn't hurt me the way academia does.

With that i feel my body start to loosen