Functional
2023-01-04, 6:03 a.m.

The murky blue sky before sunrise doesn't tell you how magnificent it's about to be. it just is. all of sudden. and the quiet turns into chirping and the cars start racing to the highway. i've had such a beautiful time in the mornings. i miss spending them with my dad in the car and our dog. in the bright clear mornings with the clean forest air, having training on psychometric tests after lugging 50 lbs of materials into the office and nearly smashing my head on the brick wall. Walking near a creek during lunch because i have to go to a second building to do more work. My beyonce high heel timbs getting slightly dirty in the muck from the melting snow. Beautiful moments even in the midst of difficulty. That's how i know i will survive this. Because there was no indication I would survive it then and yet I'm here.

But I digress. I can only imagine what i want and not what it is. to fully inhabit a moment of having medication for an incurable illness to help me keep the first real job i've had in years. it feels like a piece of heaven, and a manifestation of God's grace, that I would have a normal thing.

To open a bottle of medication and know that within a bottle is my functioning body and brain for a month. It is a beautiful thing. And sometimes sad but mostly glad that something works. I hope I can be functional and that I'm allowed to function soon