Not the Source, Just a Resource, the Source Has Used
2023-05-17, 11:11 p.m.

I got fired today, after being told I improved enough to get off a pip. The last week of the pip had no sales. I could have made one but it was from a lady who was type A to the max and would have called back in a paranoid rage saying I had manipulated her into spending money. One sale wouldn't have been enough anyway. I might have made some sales had I not taken the weekend off but by the weekend my anxiety was so difficult my heart beat was getting erratic and I was anticipating taking my kesimpta and needing downtime. I also visited my dad's dog. She was my best friend all of those years in desolation. She didn't seem to give up so much when we were all around her. I'm happy I took time for her. My dad said he didn't know if he would need to put her down.

Like I told B, I'm relieved that I'm fired but not euphorically happy. I was with the company for a long time and I loved being a tutor but I was always underpaid. The other position was the type of remote work you could get stuck in for months or even a few years until you feel your spine deteriorate and your countenance sallow from the white glow of the monitor. I'm not a robot. I actually used well-reasoned points for discussing how people could benefit from tutoring. And this is a transitional season of nothingingness until everyone fights for summer class mania. If my boss didn't think I was disrespectful instead of frustrated, he might have tried for me. But I started to get the feeling he didn't really have time to care.

This company isn't the source, they were a resource used by the source (T.D. Jakes). I applied to 14 jobs today. One for the next 6 months, busy remote 1099 regular business hours just in case I want to stay at home again. California time this time. Communicated with my former student, asking how his semester went without me. I didn't think he would respond, but he did. Maybe we can carve a time out to hang out and talk about psychology papers. Maybe everyone just needs someone to talk about psychology with for an hour and half. Not therapy, just stream of thought conversation.

This past couple of days has taught me how lonely it is to be with someone who doesn't know gentleness. I know when he needed it from me. But he doesn't have it to give. He yelled at me a few times today. I was just trying to process everything but it didn't work at all. I let him know. When he kept bursting in the room while I was talking, I made sure that I went on break and validated his feelings. I'm starting to realize that being an adult with this anxiety is a sure fire way to cause stress disease. I'm relieved I'm fired but I'm not happy to be separate from a job I was just improving at.