Exhaustion.
2009-10-14, 11:34 p.m.

I just finished "Let the Right One In." I never thought that I would because it's almost 500 pgs. It kept me sane during breaks in studying for Neuroanatomy. It also kept me relaxed when I felt like a stupid worthless grad student this week.

I'm not going to say that I regret going to grad school. But I realize now that this is the hazing period. There isn't any actual hazing. But this is a test to see who will prevail and who will run cowering back to retail whoredom. That is not to say that I haven't tried. I am more suited to an education setting, as a tutor.

Tutoring college kids is worse than tutoring children or GED students. I thought that GED students would give me trouble, but they were actually the easiest to work with.

I'm finishing my week early tomorrow. But it's not really done. I just need to find another book to escape into when things get too bleak.

I have learned to take comfort in small things and laugh at bad things. Like today when my cell phone slid across the gritty tiles of the computer room, making long scratches on the flawless screen. I laughed in my hysterical tiredness.

My hamster died yesterday after biting off his two back legs to stumps. I found him in his cage in a pool of blood. It was even around his mouth. He had been crying out for days, but the only thing I could give him was children's benedryl because my vet said it was okay. He ate his potato chip even on the last day of his life.

I took a bath at 2 am and I saw the outline of his blue spirit watch me and scamper away. I might have been hallucinating because I was tired, but maybe I wasn't. Maybe it was really him, coming to say goodbye because he passed while I was in class. My mom and I reminsced about him like he was a human being. Sometimes I thought that he was. He definitely had a temperment. When he was young, he was really spacey and weird. When he got older, he got stubborn and he didn't want anyone to see that he was sick. When I would give him a sunflower seed or a potato chip, he would grab it from him like he thought I was going to take it back.