chocolate chai
2010-08-14, 2:31 p.m.

i made my own chocolate chai. it's soo good. i used stash chai and i overbrewed it a little. Then i put two tsp swiss miss. This could be my substitute for coffee. PSYCH! i can't stop drinking coffee.

Late of the pier-space and the woods. i love this song.

i had a little mental breakdown in front of my mom yesterday. she thinks i need to see a professional. so i said "i AM a fucking professional" but that argument only works when the other person is also drunk. maybe being crazy will help me to help crazy people.

i just never thought that ten years later i would move from being a batshit insane teen to being a semi sane young adult. i thought i would have it figured out. my mom always makes me feel that i am normal but when i go to the doctor, she makes me feel weird and out of control. i have to keep telling the doctor that i am fine and stable, having one or two bad days doesn't make me totally lost.

i got a haircut yesterday. it's blown out a fabulous but i'm too depressed to leave the house but i would like to take at least one picture of it. i also bought a peach lacy dress. i wanted to buy it in white but my mom thought it was too bridal...

::sigh:: its not going to happen for me. its not even that i want to be married, i just wanted that person to acknowledge that we've been through so much and that he wants to continue. there's never going to be a good time to do this. it doesn't help that there is a fucking WEDDING CHANNEL. WTF?!? it just makes me sad. i still watch it. my colors would be purple and silver. or just get drunk and get married in front of elvis. my dad would love that. he loves elvis. too many typos. i caught some of them, but i woke up to panic shooting out of my palms.

actually shooting out of my palms. when my eyes are closed i can see the yellow-white lightning coming out & pulling me out of bed