Black Friday Anniversary
2015-11-27, 9:48 p.m.

If he is my twin flame, then he has a lot of work to do. If he feels safe with her then in her arms he should stay. Maybe I'm not the one who inspires devotion as much as passion. Devotion isn't as exciting, but I've been craving it since I got diagnosed with MS and he ran off. I didn't feel sorry for myself. I just wanted the pain to end. I let myself fall into someone else's arms because I no longer had the energy to stand and wait for the day he would remember me. In the end I found that he had a fond regard for me, just a struck match when I was a wild fire. I didn't need the clean logic of his prepared words.

When you kissed me I felt it in my heart. I felt all the parts you broke and scorched light up once again. But I knew you had someone you loved more, she wasn't your friend. She was your ex-girlfriend like me. So you were friends with her like you were with me. But you left me for her the day after we met. And I felt extra stupid that it happened again.

Gracefully let go of you because you and her need each other. In the time you weren't with her, she trained and studied so that she could be the female version of you. I met you 4 years ago today. But I spent so much time crying about you and wondering if you loved me, so much more time than we were together or happy.

Your friend isn't genteel or sophisticated. He's he kind of tiguere that I appreciate where I'm from. He spends my money and rearranges my apartment. But I know he's down for me. He was the one who carried me down the street when I realized the MRI was going to say what no doctor wanted to tell me. My body never touched the ground. The vision I had of an angel carrying my sorrow laden body became clear in that instant. It was him and not you, who sat in my living room when the nurse came to show me how to do the injections. He winced when I did it myself even before I was trained.
My brain chemicals are not imbued with the sadism associated dopamine when I'm with him. I yell at him and we have days when we don't relate at all. But my soul knows you both. When we meet again on the other side we will know the truth of why we were in this situation and why I couldn't be with you.If you loved me you wouldn't have left me when I was so low. When I was looking in the cemetery for a place to dump my own body. If you loved me we would be together right now. I have never been so fascinated by someone. But I have to learn to stop falling in love with people who can be case studies in psychopathy.

I just submitted my doctoral applications. Day I met you is day I changed my life. Day you were born was the day my great uncle died and my body shut down. These are the silent anniversaries you and I know. No matter where you are you remember. The first year we haven't spoken. I know the first year is the hardest. I love you. I love you way over here and until the end of the universe. I love how you look like an old man and you cut your gentile peyes so they just curl up smaller and you look like ice king. I wish I was curled up next to you on my couch but I also wish you hadn't trampled my heart under your feet. If you think she doesn't take you back each time thinking that it means you will eventually marry her you're lying to yourself. I wonder if you're looking at his public instagram for pics of us together and I hope you see that I'm trying to be happy. I've never tried so hard. He is teaching me the lessons I need to learn. We are working on this relationship together. It's hard because I've never been that type of girl. But he believes in me and he won't leave. He has never left. Even when I was ready to run back to you. Your mind is rare. But his heart is rare. I miss you love. I hope this feeling goes away by next year. But I think I would mourn that too.

My circle is getting smaller. It's probably a Jay Z line. I joined a book club but half.com isn't working so I haven't bought the books yet. No one thinks this is a good idea, but it's a goal directed activity and I don't like drinking anymore. If we were still talking I think you would be amused that I joined an urban fiction book club and that I'm working on an urban fiction novella. There are so many things I wish I could tell you on this anniversary. I was always the one who reached out to you to tell you that you were loved. I wrote you letters and sent you cards. I feel stupid for doing that. But i think it's the point of love that it takes you away from the hardness of the exterior and hits you to the core. I'm grateful for the heartbreak. All the heartbreak. Including work discrimination. Without which, I would not be applying to doctoral programs to escape the bullshit.