depeche mode-t's no good-2007 remastered version
2019-12-08, 3:04 a.m.

wearing a shirt that says LET YOURSELF FAIL. END TRY OGEIN. light beige nails stained with turmeric, chipping from ovals to claws on their own again.

it's witching hour, true solitude, joy division tinkling out of shitty speakers on my expensive laptop. my sheets still smell like detergent, 2 months after i washed them and put them deep in the narnia closet. i shouldn't be listening to joy division, new order, a-ha, duran duran, i'm getting wistful and loneliness in my heart.

everyone wants a counterpart. i'm missing the one person in particular. (the person this diary was about before is getting married to someone they just met. i miss them at times, but its been a decade since we broke up and we never speak, even when he tries to reach out to me, anything he says always feels insincere so i ignore) narcissists are good like that, they can adapt to whoever you need them to be, then suck out all you are. however, what i am can't be stolen. whatever new disabled personality you've adopted so that you never have to fully grow up, work, and be a better man is just your empty shell, with my art aesthetics sprinkled on top. just know that i still work despite being in pain for most of the day, every single day, so you've done this part on your own. i used to think you imitated me because you missed me. but its just the way you take the cool parts as your own ideas and discard me completely. remember that when you bad mouth me to your enablers. your mom told me how you are. she told me to get with your friend. it wasn't even my idea. **truly salacious diary secrets are revealed during the witching hour** and i still didn't do it because i still loved you. Four years ago when we had our last angry exchange over text, I didn't want to let go of you. But being sick means needing love and companionship, not just on shabbos night. true friends stepped in and pulled me away because i needed more than your leftover time and dick. i intuit that your new narcissistic supply is perfect for you, she gives you hundreds of miles and hours of distance. do you fuck her like you hate her too? did you calm down for her? does she know about your darkness like we all do? i forgave you, or rather, resigned myself to your callousness long ago. nothing comes as a surprise. i had my own hypothesis of who an avoidant callous malignant narcissist ends up with. And I was right. i don't think you'll marry her, your psychopathology won't let you, but my advice is to do something so she stays wrapped around your finger. buy her jewelry. or something you know will make her jaws drop the way you did for me. i have to admit, that was the best feeling. i have one of those "i don't believe in material posessions" type of partner now who annoys me by buying me soda for hannukah in exchange for my extremely thought out gift. i still have men in my life who have goals, strengths, and love for me. most importantly, we have mutual respect and admiration for each other and don't fear emotional intimacy.

I have to end it there. I know it seems like there's no forgiveness, but there is. I am analyzing because you inspired my dissertation. we were never enemies. i just won't stand for disrespect because i know my worth and i love myself more than i love any man.

i want to needle LI4 for relaxation but i'm already falling asleep because I took 2 g of red bali. its 20 mins of perfection. so i have to floss my teeth and fall asleep.