dissertation mixtape
2021-02-13, 11:54 p.m.

i remember how we didn't talk for a month, even when i rented out a floor of a brownstone for a staycation week for us to live like we used to and chill in my old neighborhood, he was full of resentments. we were like relatives. everyone thought i was insane for spending under a grand for a staycation but the circumstances of the past semester had broken my heart.

aquarians will coldly sweep you off your feet and hope you follow. when he told me about the rough pores on the backs of his legs, and his physically strenuous new job, i filled his apartment with lavender soaps, coconut body scrub, and limited edition scented deodorant so he would remember me on the other side of the hudson. as an aqua i can't always stick around for intimacy, i have to take flight but he caught me just as my wings started to burn. and nursed me back to health until i decided to keep flying with pieces missing

my advisor isn't trying to pressure me to publish. am i going to publish? i have to. last research 2017 and it was insubstantial. its hard when i'm incapacitated by lack of medicine. i'm hoping when i re up tomorrow i can restart my MS medication on a regular basis, then my brain will work again/ hopefully not eroding any further.

research is like releasing a mixtape. this will be my best mixtape, no even ifs, no even though or i hope. it just will be.