Soul Sanctum Vortex
2022-02-01, 4:20 p.m.

ha 4:20

i cried about missing princess last night, not even about the situation but not being able to see her on a regular basis when i love her so much is difficult. i missed other dog roommates but princess is family. i love her big anime eyes, white lashes, and dark eye liner. i love how her misshapen retinas focus on me every morning and how her pupils dilate honestly with affection and happiness. i love how she says so much without talking. i love how she prowls the streets at night looking for dogs to fight. She's beautiful and ferocious.

More than trying to enter a vortex, i'm trying to re enter the place i left in pursuit of a goal. My sanctum, my self assurance. if i had to go back to my older self, i'd say relentless ambition isn't as important as the cultivation of a soul. i look at my paintings and recently acquired volumes of torah commentary and i see flashes of myself that no professor could insult or take away by any means of removal.

i know there is a part of me that is effortless, under the radar, radiant and attracting limitless abundance without trying, from people who recognize my ability to help and my loyalty to them. i realize i had been tamping myself down and removing my soul from life just to fit in to check boxes and pass, even though i've been on probation this whole time unfairly. on the surface when it looks like they've won, they really haven't. In due time I'll say something miraculous, like "if you had never expelled me unfairly mid-year i would have never experienced the greatest miracle of this abundance, and i would have never been able to help people the way i do now." maybe the truest way to help people in their crisis is to attend to their critical social needs unconditionally, and in the currency of that grace we can propel forward, with dignity, with love, with gratitude.

Maybe life isn't going from failure to misfortune, but unfolding in ways that don't always make sense, taking risks that others find dangerous and foolish, but feel exhilarating and true to purpose.

If I'm in my soul vortex, I would manifest a higher dosage of medication since i've been undermedicated for 5 years and trying to function without raising concerns. i would have the medication i need so that i can perform according to my true ability instead of the 2 week period of activity followed by 2 weeks of being bed bound. In my soul vortex i'm finishing my paintings and overcoming the blocks that prevent me from writing the way i know that i can. always during the witching hour. in my soul vortex i have all of the abundance i need without question or stress. My nails aren't in a sad state because they reflect where my mind is. I guess it's best to start there. I can finally remove all this nail polish and the gentle rhinestone swoop locked in by quick dry fancy aurora borealis sparkle clear polish