Glowing Green
2022-06-28, 10:17 p.m.

Pearl nail polish is beautiful but randomly nicks even after being dry for hours. I'm watching my nails move across the keys in the glow of the screen.

ate medicine for dinner after i realized my bf ate the rest of the leftovers for lunch because i'm in pain and can't think about cooking. It just means I have to work even earlier to save meds for the end of the month. I couldn't shut off my frustration and all day pain button that wouldn't be silenced. My brain always processing the pain of my shoulder. Even with perfect posture. I still remember my one pain free moment, just picked up from the ER by my dad, getting screamed at in the mcdonald's drive thru but not caring because of the tiny amount of dilaudid in my bloodstream. I sat drowsy and nonchalant. Then at home I cried, realizing how rare pain free moments are.

All thats left to eat is grease and white rice or waffles that i've already had for breakfast. Sometimes he is really nice and other times he's awful. Why would I want to cook when we had two days of leftovers in the fridge.

The combination of psychological and physical pain drove me over the edge today. And that he couldn't stop watching Stranger Things even though we have already seen the entire thing and have been rewatching it for two days. He always talks over the really good parts. I haven't learned how to balance the personal space part of living with a significant other. He wants to spend every waking moment together but also wants me to fend for myself when it comes to food. I don't have time for hunting and gathering solo. Whenever we gather I always give him the food.

Anyway. Tomorrow makes 16 years off of methadone. I'm on chronic pain treatment now and I regularly taper all the way off due to various reasons. I look forward to finding a new pharmacy soon.

I don't want to end it like that. It's also my mother's birthday tomorrow. I have COVID so I won't be visiting. I thought about going to Bath and Body Works and buying her a candle but I don't know if I want to deal with crowds right now.

I also have a job interview I'm kind of at a loss and hope I know how to explain myself. It's just hard when I'm hungry and in pain. I guess I have to eat waffles again.

I'm listening to him ignore me around the house and it makes me feel extra alone because he's done with COVID but I'm still sick and it's hard to deal with. I'm trying not to burst out crying again. It's really difficult to deal with this particular element of thoughtlessness. He gave me tuna out of a can and rice, and it was disgusting. I had no idea he devoured the edible food. Now I don't even know if I can't eat because I'm so frustrated.

gratitude list:

pearl finish nail polish
ginger soda
weleda body butter
sunsets
pedicures at home
working from home
multiple streams of income
the tehillim
artscroll for writing the best commentaries
when i can crack my neck
the color of the shah cheragh mosque interior, emerald green
emerald green cheers me up

i wrote about the emerald green mirror mosaics to help a student with his assignment about the elements of sacred spaces. when i attached the pics of the mosque, the whole class was amazed. the element of light in islam is a major sacred element since images of god are forbidden. Glowing green that envelopes your mind, like being inside the heart chakra. Green the color of money, life, vibrance, and luck