Justice Flows From God's Holiness. Perfect Alignment
2022-07-30, 2:06 a.m.

I didn't end up finishing dissolving the apartment because I want to throw things out, not bring things from 2003 into my new life. I found baby pics of my ex and it was so weird I had to stop. I didn't feel angry, upset, nostalgic, happy, or sad. Just disappointed I haven't cleaned in so long LOL

I guess that's what life is when you drift away. Love isn't this fantastical forever. It can end. I love detachment. I didn't understand it when I was younger. But now I love the dissociative distancing of detaching emotions.

I'm not happy that __ hasn't learned anything from the first time he got horrifically injured. But I won't abandon him the way everyone else does with ease. I'm not looking forward to giving him a shower or washing dishes. But I won't leave him alone. It's not about the pay. But I do hope he doesn't get big headed like last time and give his money away to everyone. Then act like I'm a gold digger for asking that he save the money and start an online store rather than give allowances to his parents twice a day until all the money is done.

For now, the main theme is that I won't abandon him.

I have so many ideas for my store. A section on Jungian analytic textbooks. A section on projective tests. A section on classics that are still relevant, addressing loneliness or neuroses. International section of things from Fiorucci. Tote bags. Things that have a designer look but aren't

I found a Solitaire shirt today at Marshalls. The kind of embroidered shirt that looks ambiguously like a vacation shirt of any asian or euro folk outfit. It's really loose but I need that for tomorrow's heat. Something slightly elegant yet perfect for the heat. I scalded the fabric with hot water and tide to prevent any pathogens. I hope it dries in time.

I'm just rambling. But my mind has 10 different channels on right now.

Prayer requests:

My brain has 4 new lesions and I'm extremely undermedicated for the daily pain I'm in. Please pray that my dr finally listens to me instead of running out of the room and ignoring me. I'm taking extra meds now and praying that I can taper so that I'm fine by the time my refill is in my hands. But i'm always in this situation. I tested the limit. I tried other things. But now I know I need an increase in meds. I've spent about 4k on acupuncture and other treatments and they work to a point. Anyway, next prayer. Also need a prayer that the new pharmacy doesn't play with me. It's been a major stress trying to find a pharmacy that doesn't look at me like I'm a criminal for having a neurodegenerative illness requiring pain medication.

However:
Coming back here and trying to salvage things after getting so upset my dad wouldn't help me was pointless 85% of things ended up donated or in the trash taught me that the things we stress about aren't even that serious. we just amplify them in our minds from anxiety

Last: I really need a grown up job. I love tutoring but that isn't the most stable of money making opportunities seeing as the last time I tutored molecular bio was in June.

For real last: I need a good way to quickly stop the trauma related thoughts everything I fall into PTSD about how I was bullied. I get flashbacks. I know justice flows from God's holiness. Maybe that's what I need to repeat over and over again. And it's been wonderful living without the anxiety of always being told I'm stupid and I don't know what I'm doing or something is due, or I haven't written something correctly. I feel comfort and ease. So I'm where I'm supposed to be. In perfect alignment.