My life in moving pictures, a return to source
2023-11-22, 9:29 a.m.

I was born into this incarnation with 2 tributaries of a tremendous energy and potential. I was always encouraged to cultivate both, but later on I was told to forsake the creative one to hone my academic skill. This made sense conceptually for many reasons. But it didn't work out. Racism, ableism, and full on corruption stomped on my attempts until I was sacrificed. But those six years of self-actualization were divine. I finally possessed comfort, joy, security, and my family. Just as soon as I was re-energized by the fight to win the battle, I lost the war. Worn out by all I had endured and sacrificed, I let it go and the portal closed. My dog died. Of course, she is not just a dog, but my cosmic sister and teacher of my heart. We can never go back there again. Even my father grieved the closing of this portal. Where do I go now? This has been a question for two years. I want to return to my source, my unencumbered creation force. Self-actualization isn't complete without this source, tapping into this world brings back to force. I grieve the loss of my journey, even though it was the most painful thing I have endured. No sacrifice felt permanently harmful, it was all worth it for this dream. I tried to have other dreams. I use psychology in my life, wherever I am. But it isn't the same as the original vision I had for my life. Sometimes I find the answer in job interviews, when they ask me what vision I have. I've had the same dream since I was 10. I let them take it from me. But I need to take it back. It is my vocation and purpose. I've been lost since I tried to abandon it. This recent job interview pulled the answer out of my heart and soul. I don't have any other answers. I've tried for two years to move on and try something else. But the universe is bringing me back to my purpose. Art might be the salve and the savior. Getting back to myself before I gave the responsibility of my identity formation and growth to hateful and racist professors. I only need the help from source now, the other people have faded. Their institution and influence have vanished like a mirage. My justice is the return to myself, unencumbered by sacrifice and hurt inflicted upon me. Letting go of the past, expansiveness and the world of possibilities. Now to harness inspiration and unleash the synchronicity.

What prevents this from happening: living with the person who manifested me from the stars. When you love a person who demonstrates the disorganization of their mind with the amount of garbage they can generate in a matter of hours sitting in the living room. Then I'm treading water, surviving, trying to hunt and gather, earn money again and coming up against all of the stupid unspoken standards people reject a resume but not without wasting my time with two interviews. Never getting meds on time. Trying to stay hopeful. Jumping through hoops that get set on fire as I'm jumping through them. Crawling out the hole and getting kicked all the way back down. No medicine but needing to get to my job interviews, job interviews that don't yield results but send me messages from the universe. "Why are you here? You are the most talented candidate." Feeling like I don't belong anywhere. Grieving over my lost purpose and my lost cosmic sister. Missing daily routines with my dad. Grief telling me the truth. There is no loss in divine mind. This is my purpose. I need to return. The same way as I need to return to art, the brush strokes against the white wall. All the tension and pain releases as my medicine reaches the therapeutic level and I have the comfort of a truth I've been avoiding. The beauty of epiphany. All the chores associated with the pursuit of this beauty and art are part of the beauty. Seeing myself as the moving still life, the moving picture. My life in a series of moving pictures. A still life that has the life breathed back into it, resuscitated. Life returned to me.