the day i went to the pier
2009-03-17, 10:07 p.m.

I enjoyed my loneliness today, until it became a warm solitude. My work got cancelled again but I wasn't worried about it. I just called my boss about it and went downtown. I walked down narrow streets until the st. patricks day frenzied crowds disappeared. The pier stopped me. I ran out of land.

I liked seeing the pier at dusk. I felt like I was living inside a paperweight. The sky looked unreal. It was mauve and blue and light gold like a pearl. The water had a luster that I never noticed before today. I watched the tones of blue change with the movement of the waves as if I needed to remember it for a painting. I told myself that my aquarian nature had to recharge near the water. But there was no real purpose. Just to feel better about doing nothing.

As always, I passed secret landmarks. However, today was the only day that I didn't wince at what I remembered. I just observed these memories detachedly.

Before that, I stopped at my favorite new agey store to absorb some energy and look around, but of course I ended up buying some stuff. Super Hit incense and a blue stone that reminded me of water.

The energy was so strong in the store that it melted my panic attack. When my panic attacks last for more than one hour I call them panic fizzles.