Ethneogens and benzos
2010-07-20, 11:54 p.m.

I'm holding on to the golden thread of a melody to release the anger and the panic. In my palms the cut crosses harness nervous energy to pull me out of sleep. Sleep is my fragile peace, my temporary death, my check out from this life.

When we all check out at the same time, because of the apocalypse or nuclear accident, all the robots will find are bones, breast implants and implants of different body parts. Maybe the robots will think that we were cruder versions of what they are.

Amy Winehouse-What is it About Men?

Understand once he was a family man
so surely I would never, ever go through it first hand
Emulate all the shit my mother hated
I can't help but demonstrate my Freudian fate
My alibi for taking your guy
history repeats itself, it fails to die
and animal agression is my downfall
I don't care 'bout what you got I want it all

It's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?

I'm nurturing, I just wanna do my thing
and I'll take the wrong man as naturally as I sing
and I'll save my tears for uncovering my fears
for behavioural patters that stick over the years

It's bricked up in my head, it's shoved under my bed
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?
My destructive side has grown a mile wide
and I question myself again: what is it 'bout men?

Where is my apathy? My boyfriend told me that he has no moral standards and I don't have standards for his behavior because I really just expect him to fuck up all the time. But its still not complete apathy. What is the pill for that? I guess it's Paxil. Too bad I don't want to be stark raving manic. There is no chemical shortcut to being your best self. Maybe you never get to be the best you. If you are, I think you're lying. Maybe you could be better.

I can't tell you how good it is to be on Paxil, because I don't remember it all. Paxil erased parts of my memory. But I do remember that I didn't give a fuck what anyone thought and I could be very socially agressive and still I had lots of friends. But I only ate french fries and I got the shakes. Maybe they weren't real friends. They weren't there when I really needed them, like when I had a real stalker (who physically attacked me). I still wish I was manic because it's better than being depressed or panicked. I also remember that I was fashionably adventurous, even though I had eczema I would still wear really great outfits that managed to cover up all the ugly skin. Now I have eczema and I fucking hate it.

My panic attacks sometimes pull me out sleep. I'm tired of going to the doctor for this. I actually don't want to be sedated for the bullshit that is life.

Ahhhh...I feel better now. Which paxils should I get? green or pink? just kidding. Paxil is not approved for people under age 18...OOOHH REEAAALLLYY? NOW you tell me! It's not approved for me just because. I'm old.