communication with ghost & angels
2015-07-16, 4:37 p.m.

The pain of losing him comes out in small breaths, little peeps. I feel guilty, I have a man who wants to marry me and I still think about the one who didn't want me. I went on her instagram yesterday because it's public and they spent the fourth of july together in the park. I told him that I wasn't going to stand in the way of them being together, and he denied that he loved her and said they were friends. I know that she is an exhibitionist, when they got back together she posted a photoshoot with them looking at each other on rocks in the park, and she posted on his page every day, letting him know that she owned him. Like Chinese water torture, its going to wear on him, he's going to submit to her.

All I ever wanted was to respect and honor his need for space. I never asked for more. One day I couldn't hold it anymore. I needed him because I was diagnosed with MS. He ignored me to be with her. Clearly I had to move on. I miss him as my friend every day. But he was never my friend. I heard he told his roommate and my boyfriend very disgusting lies about me. The person I miss is a lie. I miss an illusion. In an instant, the illusion was whisked away, like a sharp wind blew the smoke and I was left with the harsh reality.

I wrote all the ways that he hurt me on a piece of paper. On the back I wrote, "i still love him and miss him. he was rare" I burned the paper and the only words to remain were "he was rare." I looked at the clock and it was 2:22. I looked up the angel numbers and it said that 222 means let go, everything comes together for your good.

I am grateful for my boyfriend. I wasn't passionately in love with him. I have a habit of passionately loving the people who treat me like shit or ignore me, people who are evil and callous. Maybe I like the chase and rejection. Maybe it feeds my masochistic need. Yet I found someone who patiently waited for me to see through the illusion. Or he found me. He rescued me. Right now he is at work, making money to buy me an engagement ring. It took a long time for me to appreciate the softness and solidity of his body, the strength of his hands, the purity of his desire and the grace of his fidelity. I have never known a love like this and I question if it is real because I have been deceived so many times.

He said he loves my elegance, my talent for dressing up ordinary things with the beauty of my words. He said he fell in love with my beautiful and scarred soul and he knew that he had to have me. He said that he was scared when I was leaving because he knew he would never love another like he loved me. And I said I could never be the person that destroys an ideal of love. I want to be the one that fulfills his ideas and shows him the depths & grace of love when it flows between two people who want the greatest good for each other.