chronic pain and pain of abandonment
2020-02-05, 8:04 p.m.

Tears flowing down my neck wash the perfume i put on before leaving for class. the water released the smell again. Tears because I am in pain and my doctor doesn't care. Because people abused pills when they didn't need them, the law is that patients with degenerative disorders and serious cancer have to suffer until they gain the courage to take their lives and this is preferable to the doctors using their sense and medical competence. I was put on hold for 20 minutes and she didn't remember what i asked. i know because it's 8 and my medication isn't in the pharmacy. My body is shutting off hunger and sleep out of shock from pain. If i go to the ER they make no discrete efforts to openly discuss what i came in for and how they want to give toradol. my stomach feels terrible from it. I actually feel a little better not eating. As if the swelling in my spinal cord is relenting. the life of a doctoral student with a chronic degenerative illness is very very lonely. not even the doctors listen.
i was going to try to write about something else. but it is too difficult to write about something happy. everything bad is happening. maybe it will help to read this again some day when everything is okay. today i felt lonely and stupid because i could imagine all the other students working hard but i couldn't find my glasses and i felt out of sorts. i couldn't eat so i couldn't concentrate. i was knocked down by depression so i couldn't get out of bed. i ordered kratom as the contingency but i only took 3 g. i didn't want to take too much because i've been too tired to drink water. i think it did work. but i still feel neck pain, back spasms and the pain of abandonment