pavé diamonds vs harry winston, barbiturate sleep, poltergeists, oman frankincense, ghost seasonings
2020-04-30, 2:29 a.m.

my internet searches were like a diary this week so i figured i should come here instead. "sebaceous cyst causing fever and exhaustion" and "my friend is cursing at me on the first day of ramadan, can i tell him to fuck off? or should i be more understanding?"

today was exhaustion, my precious brain computer in overwork over heating mode, money for my favorite spicy gluten free no mushroom ramen and impulse buys of investment pieces from nordstrom. i don't regret spending $84 on a dress I will definitely wear everywhere this summer but my bf or mom or both would ask why i would do such a thing. most of the things i bought last summer from marshalls are done. such is the way of fast fashion. i need a few black pieces *(everything i own) for the summer. I truly don't mind spending more on less pieces if they wow me. id rather not spend $200 on a huge bag of clothing I can only wear for 3 months. I think only 2 shirts survive from that time.

its been a fucking hard week. i am dealing with the trauma of grad school as a slightly older, newly disabled woman who is of color and the only people that respect me are the people that i teach, in other states and internationally, not in this 1970s style racist cesspool. Dealing with constant racism is fucking exhausting and extremely lonely. I reminded my mentor that even when she doesn't understand but validates that this is happening, i weep in relief for at least an hour at a time.

i performed minor surgery on my face to incise and drain a cyst under my chin. It still has a flat bump from the skin that is growing to cover the incision. I couldn't suture it because I didn't have supplies. I wanted that little hook needle and dissolvable stitches.

A quarter to 3 and I will float on the barbiturate sleep. My brain worked at hyperspeed to help a student analyze racist structures in society for his study guide as quickly as possible so i could get back to studying for my presentation. my legs deeply hurt. i wanted to get my finals done last week but my cyst was making me look like jim carey in the mask. i started running a fever and fell into a pile of laundry as I loaded it into different manageably sized bags. i removed my foundation with coconut oil and it clogged my pores even after I triple washed my face afterwards. Little did I know it would cause me to use my surgical skills. I barely have the energy now to remove make up, but I never want to cut into my face again. Taking a scalpel blade to my face made me feel lonelier.

I
know I created some men to hurt myself, only one ever took a scalpel to me. He's getting married now. In the engagement pictures she is already very pregnant, and gripping his shirt like he'll escape if she lets go. I can't picture ever trusting him or any man for that matter, enough to impregnate me with a life I would sacrifice myself for. I know that I would sacrifice myself for this child and give them every bit of my blood and energy and probably do it on my own. He gave her one of those on sale diamonds at macy's around christmas time. I'm not the type of woman who is pleased with that style or generic simplicity of diamond pieces from a department store. I hate pave diamonds from macy's. i hate diamonds in general. i have rejected multiple diamonds in my lifetime. The first one was a Harry Winston. I know. With certainty I wouldn't have been happy. The payment for a Harry Winston is having a baby and giving up your dreams. Even if I fail at becoming what I set out to be, it has to be my idea to quit, not a fetus, an iconic diamond, or a man. I left the one who understands me the most so I could study up north in an arctic tundra. We still love each other even though I've rejected his diamonds as well. I told him they're all covered in blood anyway. i've encountered rich men with luxurious cars who have girlfriends who are dumb and need nurturing from me, but they never nurtured me when i was at my lowest with this degenerative disease. So that selfishness was the deal breaker. Current boyfriend hasn't called me in 17 days. I tried calling before eval day but he was busy playing videogames. So I'm letting it go to see if he is really this detached from me. I know I'm not the same. I'm not as skinny or wealthy, but I'm building a client base and a business philosophy so I can have a bigger business and mentoring company in the future. The growing phase isn't sexy. I haven't done laundry in a month. I handwashed my clothes in a basin with boiling water and detergent. The Sally Hansen Quick Dry clear polish has prevented my nail polish from dissolving in boiling water. It's jordan almond purple with iridescent artistic curves. He says he is ready to be a house husband and nothing turns me off more. I've always been attracted to alpha males counterparts where power is reflected and equally held. I've given up on finding a soul mate, a twin flame, or companion. Every man I have fallen deeply in love with has hurt me beyond belief and then had lasting relationship with the next person who walked past who had my exact qualities, diluted in a white form. The wealthy WASPy guy is too blonde, too selfish, and fetishes my skin and culture. I love being reflected in his desire, but I want to exist as a person and not a fuckable totem, I want to be more than a fetish. Everyone shipped us though. That is my luck in relationships, all the way to the sun until my wings burn off and I crash onto the rocks.

We have a poltergeist in the apartment and everyone in my family is giving me food ingredients to ward it off like I'm going to season the ghost. A lemon, a lime, a plate of white sugar, garlic, onion, egg, salt, black pepper, red chilli, sage, 4 glasses of water. the only cure i have is that we are not led by a spirit of fear and we do not negotiate with terroristic poltergeists. We play the quran, ayat al kursi and hang it on the wall. We sprinkle black salt at our door, it coats our slippers and smells like rotten eggs as we wash slippers in the bathtub. We burn super hit incense and vaporize omani hojari frankincense.