rhinestones exploded on my sweater and lap and rambling at 3 am
2021-01-14, 1:50 a.m.

The Aquarius is a fixed sign. So it is the sign that fixates after becoming vulnerable. All while showing the snowy silence. The way that snow insulates sounds. And feeling repulsed by their feelings and need to connect. I felt like i was drowning in my loneliness a few weeks ago, then repulsed by contact, another aqua trait. Like some people who were extra needy reflected my covert needs in the universe. First line this friendly guy gave me was that he was in love with his best friend but she was scared by his love. then i got scared off by his extreme lazy neediness and told him i wasn't ghosting, i just didn't have time for answering a question i'm not even comfortable answering for myself in my head, like i'm not fine and i didn't feel like explaining why daily to a stranger who was intent on gathering pieces of me & being needy just out of desperation. i have international pen pals who send me pics of what they make for dinner, recipes, snow, nature, and send alien stories. aquas love extraterrestrials.

we all repeat patterns in circles until we eat our own bitter pills and learn how to be better people. i can blame my parents, or anyone else, but it's really me and what i allowed to stay beyond what i was comfortable with. love and safety is a drug in that we will cling to it because we know what to expect (the investment model of relationships). the most fucked up thing is that the people i crushed on the most in life were just as mean or successful as i am so i knew they could hold their own (machiavellians). feelings are confusing to the aqua (i actually want to delete this entire thing) but it doesn't mean they won't analyze for hours. i guess i have to go back and read the last time i broke up with someone i spent almost a decade with and thought they would be my forever partner. how i was actually in a mental breakdown mode because that person was my best friend but turned out to be a trash person taking themselves out. that's probably the reason i didn't delete this entire diary, i needed a reminder of when i quit everything cold turkey and didn't look back, just let my heart break and bleed. And like clockwork, when i fully surrendered into loneliness and levelling up, he was there and i didn't care anymore (took a long while). i hope i find that peace again (i know that i definitely will)

I remembered the nail rhinestones he bought me and did three nails until one of the packs exploded on me, my sweater and lap covered in rhinestones of all shapes. I wanted to text him a picture of my predicament and my 3 successful nails but we aren't together even if we hooked up on new years eve so i cant