Dark Academia Autumn
2021-10-31, 4:11 p.m.
On Wednesday I was imbued with the dark academia aesthetics of autumn. The gold lettering on the cover of the first volume of the Artscroll Tehillim repeating the gold on the leaves. My eyes filled with tears as I read that Hashem chose David, even though Saul was the most regal one, and David was ruddy, passionate, and angry. David was committed to improvement, and his journey became a testament to generations of imperfect people.
I found sympathetic, just ears and knowledge from my doctors, and heartened to get into the flow of my dissertation so I could one day return from my self-imposed scholastic exile. Yesterday afternoon I felt blissful, peaceful, capable, as the autumn mosaic of hues whizzed passed us on the drive back to campus. Although I went from Saturday morning on the grey Brooklyn streets with a tiny speck of normalcy ( breakfast with you ), I had to return to the extra cold rural darkness. I felt that I would write my way back to you and everyone who doesn't doubt me, back to the people who respect that I will do the right thing and pray for my success. We passed Monsey and Herkimer and I felt the spark of water clear quartz inspiration, nature's muses. I took out my laptop and put notes in Mendeley articles, then copy pasted them. It's funny how being outside also takes you outside yourself and enables you to write the most anxiety-producing things.
Opening my eyes into Sunday i was blown away by pain, in my legs and head. Climbing the steep stairs to your apartment is a special feat of athleticism that I pay for now. I want to do laundry but my body cannot take any more mundane athleticism. I still want to write my way back to you and I am slapped with my anxiety. Hearing my supervisor's voice saying the worst things at 8 am, then telling me not to focus on those things. Last week I said that if you want to stop loving what you are studying, go to graduate school. But now I know that if you truly love what you study and believe in your dreams, you will suffer but it won't feel like suffering, you will align and fight to move forward.